H&R BLOCK: DOLLLARS AND SENSE
What Not To Say To Your Kids About Money: Avoid Giving them TMFI
Year after year, approximately 3 out of 4 Americans say money is their No. 1 source of stress. Money is one of the most frequent areas of conflict between parents and the No. 1 reason for divorce in the early years of marriage. We’re anxious about our bills, our investments, our retirement and our children’s education. At some point, many people will experience a significant financial setback, be it job loss, divorce, an investment gone bad, foreclosure or bankruptcy. Parental financial stress has a tendency to trickle down to children. Whether they know the details or not, they will sense that something isn’t right. Without some information about what is happening, children make up stories in their minds, sometimes blaming themselves for things they do not have control over. When families are experiencing financial stress, it is important to talk about what is happening. But how much financial information is Too Much Financial Information (TMFI)? TMFI can leave a child feeling anxious, scared, overwhelmed or depressed.
Don’t Say: “Your father was fired from his job and we’re not sure how we’re going to make it.” This is TMFI. While it can be cathartic to share your sadness or anxiety, your child is not your therapist. For them to grow up feeling confident and secure, they need to know that Mom and Dad are handling the adult stuff so they can focus on being kids.
Do Say: “Your father lost his job. While he is looking for another job, we need to cut our spending. We’ll be eating in more and cooking together. I want each of you to pick a recipe for us to make.” This lets kids know that a financial setback has occurred and things are going to change, but it gives them a way to contribute to the solution.
Don’t Say: “You can’t have braces right now because your mother is not paying her child support.” While this may be accurate, and you might feel like it vindicates you, it is TMFI. It puts your child in a no-win situation. Your child is half your ex-partner and you’re signaling that’s a problem. Bashing her other parent hurts her self-esteem, even though that’s not your intention.
Do Say: “We can’t afford braces for you right now. Your mother and I have some issues to sort out, In the meantime, let’s set up a special savings account for your braces.” If parents are in conflict, children know it, but they have no power or ability to fix it. Acknowledging there are issues is okay, but avoid sharing the details.
Children need to know that while times might be tough, Mom and Dad are taking care of it (even if mom and dad are divorced). They can and should be asked to participate in the solution, but do not place the emotional burden of problem-solving on them for things they have no control over. When given tasks that contribute to a solution that they can control, children thrive.
